In the summer of 2024, I joined a 10-day Vipassana meditation course at its Swedish center. Before you raise an eyebrow—it’s not a cult, I promise. 🙂
Vipassana is an ancient technique of meditation that’s all about clear seeing—developing insight into the true nature of reality. It’s non-sectarian, practical, and open to anyone, no matter their background or beliefs. The practice starts with observing the breath to sharpen focus, then gradually expands to observing the sensations of the body and mind, with the goal of directly experiencing truths like impermanence.
Here are some of my observations and reflections from those 10 days of silence:
Overall Review
- The technique itself: Amazing. I learned so much about my body, the roots of my physical pain, and even how to ease some of it just by observing.
- The philosophy: A lot of the ideas come from Buddhism. Some resonated, some didn’t—I just listened, took what felt useful, and left the rest. Goenka, our teacher (through recordings), compared it to food: if there’s a stone in your meal, just pick it out and keep eating. That’s how I treated some of the teachings too.
- The organization: Everything was run by volunteers. At least in Sweden, the structure felt solid, well-organized, and full of warmth. People were kind and supportive—it created a really good environment.
Things I Experienced During Practice
- Like a marathon for the mind: Serious meditation feels like running a marathon. It’s repetitive, requires long focus, demands you push through pain (both physical and mental), and when you finish, you feel this wave of calm and relief—like a runner’s high.
- Practice makes real knowledge: The cliché “practice brings true understanding” hit me differently this time. On day two, I was struggling with my back pain. On day three, I remembered a sitting posture my yoga teacher had shown me ages ago. The moment I adjusted, the pain eased. I knew this technique intellectually before, but it never really sank in until the long, demanding practice made it unavoidable.
- Left-side awareness: After we started the body-scanning technique, I noticed I could sense my left side—face, shoulder, back, leg—much more strongly than my right. I started wondering if I might actually be left-dominant. Coincidentally, when I snowboard, I also ride goofy (right foot forward).
- Addicted to craving: Goenka said this during a course, and it stuck with me. My brain felt like it was craving pain. First it was my lower back, then ankles, knees, thighs, shoulders… never all at once. One pain would fade and another would pop up, almost like my mind wanted something to react to.
- A shift in perspective: Around day six, my left shoulder pain got brutal—sharp, deep, and hard to ignore. I couldn’t sit still for an hour without twitching. When asked by teacher if I reached equanimity (the goal of observing sensations without reacting), I admitted I hadn’t. Later, reflecting in the woods, I realized the real driver wasn’t the pain but my fear—fear that sitting still would damage my shoulder. Once I saw that clearly, the pain didn’t vanish, but I could finally sit still.
- That shoulder pain, I realized, has been with me since middle school. It’s almost like my shoulder became the place I store stress. Even when relaxed, I’d catch my left hand clenching unconsciously. I know this will take long-term observation to shift.
- In contrast, my lower-back pain turned out to be just muscle fatigue—it eased much faster.
- Attention heals: Once I managed to observe pain with equanimity, it felt like giving those body parts a massage. When they were “seen,” they often softened or warmed up. It was like they were thanking me.
- The positive loop of flow: Starting on day seven, I felt moments of free flow—sensations just moving smoothly through my body. Flow made it easier to stay focused, and more focus made more flow. It reminded me how people who are already “in the zone” tend to just get better and better.
- Sharing struggles helps: On day nine, I had terrible stomach discomfort—probably from overeating lunch (because dinner was only half a fruit) and then lying down. I couldn’t focus, was gagging and burping, and worried about disturbing others. Normally I keep struggles to myself, but this time I told the assistant teacher. She just said, “Ok, that’s life.” Strangely, right after sharing, my stomach eased, warmth spread through my body, and I even teared up a little. The problem never came back. Just telling someone lifted the burden.
- The obsession with “I”: Goenka talked about how we’re always stuck on “I, I, I. My, my, my.” On day ten, when talking was finally allowed again, I stayed in my room, hiding from the social overwhelm. But I could hear people outside chatting in Swedish, and all I caught was this rapid stream of Jag (Swedish for “I”). It made me laugh. Then I glanced at my own writing later—also full of “I”s—and laughed again.
- Night owl vibes: My focus was always weakest in the mornings and peaked at night when flow came naturally. My roommate was the complete opposite—strongest in the morning. That confirmed I’m a night person.
- Post-retreat stress: Back home, my Apple Watch showed higher stress levels than usual, and my stomach felt off. At first, I thought it was diet changes, but I realized intense focus itself can be stressful, and so can living in such a strict group environment. Even meditation, done intensively, can add its own kind of pressure.
Back to Real Life
- Goenka suggested two hours of daily meditation (one hour morning, one hour evening). I don’t think I’ll stick to that, but I’ll try starting with one hour a day and see how it goes.
- Since I’m a night owl, I plan to:
- Handle admin stuff (emails, messages, news) in the morning
- Focus on work in big chunks in the afternoon
- Save evenings for self-development and learning
- No phone after 6 pm.
- When catching up with friends, I’ll push for calls instead of endless texting—more efficient and less distracting.
Update in 2025
Looking back at what I wrote right after the course, it’s still really helpful to reread. But honestly, the habits I wanted to build didn’t really stick. These days I rarely meditate, and my phone always stays with me until I fall asleep. If there’s one lesson I’ve learned at this moment, it’s that things are always easier said than done.
